The Fearless Pursuit Of Chocolate

There is a myth of chocolate covered treats in kitchen yonder
There is a tin, therein, lieth a final chocolate biscuit
In darkest night, by candlelight, in bare foot toes I wander
Aghast! The creaky floorboard in the hall!
Best not risk it.

Inglish!

If a scanner in Cancun can scan a toucan, you can too!
I canoe, can you? Can do! If two can, too can you!
Language tis peculiar; a silly subtle sport
Understand it, can thou, though through, tough and thorough thought.

Some Haikus…

A wise man once said
Woof, woof, woofy woof, woof, woof
Well… no man… a dog.


Carnivores eat beef
Apivores differ somewhat
Those people eat bees


Unfortunately
Oversimplification
Overcomplicates


Some folks eat with forks
Others are partial to spoons
I like chopsticks, though


Rain is sky water
Lightning is the sky's lightbulb
Thunder: he’s hungry

This is not a poem, it’s actually a serious recipe for pancakes

Three ounce of flour and one pinch of salt
Four if it’s more savoury based
Bicarb of soda which makes them all fluffy
An ounce of ground sugar to taste

Mix up the dry stuff, creating a dip
Drop in two large eggs and mix
Fold in the whole milk a spoon at a time
Heat up the ring at mark six

Whisk until smooth and the texture of soup
Now grab a large frying pan
Pour out the mixture and spread it about
Circular shapes if you can

Cook until bubbles pop up at the sides
Then get thee a spatula quick
Oh, and there’s one little thing I forgot!
Use some oil so the pan doesn’t stick!

Flip it and cook it ‘til both sides are browned
Repeat until mixture is dead
Serve up with fruit and some chocolate perhaps
Or some syrup and bacon instead

Put on a plate and then pick up a fork
Put in mouth, chew and repeat
If you’re still snacky, why not make some more!
The favouritest lazy day treat!

Even MORE Limericks

He came from the Deep Blue Lagoon
And fed sugar to bees on a spoon
He jarred up the honey
Which earned him some money
To pay for his flight to the moon


It’s weird to think that in France
There’s a funny peculiar dance
Where you jump up and down
Like an eccentric clown
As if deeply enthralled in a trance

Some More Limericks About Animals

There once was a wombat named Wu
Who felt quite exceptionally blue
He gathered his mates
They broke out of their crates
And they made their escape from the zoo


A moose crossed the street in Alaska
En route to the lands of Nebraska
She jumped on a train
Took a detour through Maine
I’m not quite sure why… but I’ll ask her

A Sonnet for Other People’s Dogs

Humans cannot hold a candle lit
To floofy Collies, Labradors and Pugs
And Even mutts who roll over and sit
Give superior loves and better hugs
A floof, ‘tis something to be treasured most
To walk through forests, meadows, fields and streets
To throw a ball upon the sandy coast
And watch them chase with speedy racing feets
For Huskies, Lurchers, Shelties and Greyhounds
Pomeranians, Boxers and Great Danes
For Beagles, Shepherds, Poodles and Wolfhounds
With kindness and compassion in their brains
The dogs they fill my life and times with joy
Whether the goodest girl or goodest boy.

Animal’s Day Out

A mouse, a bat and a bush kangaroo
Who lived in a bungalow shaped like a shoe
Went for a walk to get out of the flat
And were hassled in turn by an evil young cat

The kangaroo kicked but she missed every strike
The bat swooped and screeched like a rusty old bike
The mouse on the other hand, he had a plan
He hid in the depths of an empty soup can

The cat tried to reach him with sharp outstretched claws
That stuck out like knives from the toes of his paws
The mouse waited, watching the cat getting mad
‘Til his curious streak made him do something bad

The mouse ran full pelt through the angry cat’s feet
Faster than any mouse you’d care to meet
The bat and the kangaroo watched in surprise
As the cat ran into the tin, claiming his prize

The cat went head first, no care of consequences
He’d chased other mice over hills and through fences
With the can on his head, ‘twas just his dumb luck
He created a vacuum and got himself stuck

“Promise you won’t chase us!” shouted the mouse
“We only wanted five minutes out of the house!”
“We’ll help you escape!” said the bat with a smile
“If you say you’ll be nice to us, just for a while.”

The feline reluctantly nodded his can
Accepting the absence of any sane plan
The bat and the mouse and the kangaroo heaved
‘Til the vacuum inside it was quickly relieved

The cat was so grateful he turned a new leaf
No more mouse chasing was his firm belief
He stuck to the food that came out of a tin
Which always he tried not to trap his head in!

Damp

The rain falleth sideways when wind bloweth west
It falleth straight downward when wind is at rest
It falleth at night on the cold desert sand
And it falleth in circles when tornadoes land

The rain, it monsooneth in jungles back east
It stormeth, tempesteth and never hath ceased
In Yorkshire I’m told, in the land of warm brew
It raineth that fine rain what soaketh ye through

The Short, Nifty Tale of the Fox and the Snail

Did you ever hear the harrowing children’s tale,
Of the quick running fox who lost a race with a snail?
The mollusc had clung to the quick fox’s shoe
As he tripped and he fell and rolled over and flew.

The snail still held on for as long as he could
As the quick clumsy fox hit the floor with a thud.
The snail hit the air at significant pace,
Flew over the line and he finished the race.

‘What?’ Said the fox, as he pulled up his socks,
And brushed all the grass from his short ginger locks.
The snail answered ‘T’was merely physics, my friend.’
‘A slow, steady pace will prevail in the end.’

Some More Limericks

Ice hockey; a dangerous thing
Of which Canada is the king
When fisticuffs break,
For victory’s sake
They like to get crazy and sing


When sat up upon a high shelf
Ten feet in the air, maybe twelve
One’s most deadly fear
Is that one would appear
To be art for the sake of itself

Some Limericks About Space

There once was a human from Earth
To whom an old human gave birth.
The aliens saw
And they looked on with awe
At his quite disproportionate girth.


There once was a Martian from Mars
Who liked to look up at the stars.
He thought about space
In some far-away place
There were motorbikes, wagons and cars.

Some Say

Some say he sees like a samurai.
Some say he smells like a sprout.
Some say his feet are entombed in two bricks.
Some say he’s unable to shout.

Some say he’s scared of his mobile phone,
And won’t dare to answer his calls.
Some say his voice is quite green in its tone.
Some say he irons his smalls.

Some say he sleeps upside down like a bat.
Some say his he eats only squid.
Some say he knows only two facts about ducks.
Both are wrong and he owes me ten quid.

Some say he’s built like a tank.
Others say that he’s built like a twig.
Some say his father’s a sycamore tree,
All we know is, his name is...

Leprechaun Song

One Saint Paddy’s afternoon, a midget came to me.
He was often seen in shades of green, a smoke of Burley tree.
He stuffed his pipe with rough tobacco, struck a match and lit.
Proposed to me, some wishes three, mischievous little git.

I picked my first; a thousand coins did fall upon my lap.
I chose the next; the fairer sex did fill the room on tap.
He asked; ‘What will the last wish be?’ The cheeky Fenian monk.
‘Thirteen pints of ale!’ said I. I’m afraid I was very drunk.

The Cold Crooked Copper From Capricorn Coast

A cold crooked copper from Capricorn Coast
Cooked up a crocodile to spread on his toast.
A quite non-colloquial creature was he.
Complex of character, built like a tree.

He sat by his fire and he drank of his beer.
He munched on his lunch then he felt somewhat queer.
A sharp sting he sensed on his fattened behind.
A queasy sensation did follow in kind.

He looked to his left and he saw, in the grass,
A slithering serpent with eyes like red glass.
The creature’s revenge felt sweet to the core,
And the cold crooked cop cooked crocodiles no more.